My Fingernail Quest

This is a re-post from my old blog that never made it onto here.

This is my quest. I would like to have stronger fingernails. I don’t need them to be really long and painted a 1987 shade of glittery mauve with little roses and skulls tattooed on them, I just want my regular nails to grow over the tip of my fingers and be strong. I have never been able to do this, as soon as they grow a little bit they just peel off.

I put every kind of nail junk in existence on them. If there really is a Sally Hansen she probably has a mansion and a convertible because of all the money I have spent getting suckered by her products. I don’t know why I think continuous growth will work when triple strong, miracle nails, thicker nails, stop peeling nails, bamboo strength, stuff for horse hooves, fluoride crap, keep growing, get growing, and super strength have all failed me. I have also tried all the competitors they don’t work either.

The only thing that I have gotten from these is my nails are now addicted and after a while the nail glop peels off and makes things worse. So what am I supposed to do?

The Finger Nail myth

 

This is your fault

 

I have gone on the internet looking for advice and honestly all I have gotten is guilt trips about how I am not getting enough vitamins. Right now I am taking vitamins expressly for nails, just as I assumed they are not doing squat. I am perfectly healthy, I have normal toenails and lots of people tell me I have great hair. I think its way too thick unlike my nails. I also have decent skin and people think I am younger than I really am.

The internet also lets you know if you have ever bitten a nail you are not only psychologically very maladjusted but you are doomed to have crappy nails for the rest of your life. Maybe this is true maybe because as a child I had the same habit as 99.9999% of children I am a bad person and deserve crap nails. Forget being a nice person, or giving to charity or believing in a higher power if you have ever tasted your own nails you are clearly evil.

 

Fake nails

Finally I gave in and tried fake drugstore nails. I was hoping that since my real nails seem to hate being exposed to air or water or any other element being hidden under glue and plastic would help them to grow but they didn’t. Also the fake ones kept popping off so I had to re-glue them. I don’t know if you are supposed to but I did. After all after all the gallons of Sally Hansen I have poured over them a little nail glue is nothing.

They looked great however which only makes me want to grow my real ones even more. After all you are only supposed to have them on for a week and even the shortest length made it hard to type wash dishes zip up pants or do normal basic things.

Right now I can’t afford salon nails. I had acrylic ones for the prom and all I remember is that they were super impractical and the nail lady didn’t speak my language and was super super judgemental. Why would I want to pay 70 dollars to get yelled at in broken English every week?

Natural cures

I have also tried some non traditional remedies like rubbing jello on them, rubbing toothpaste on them and soaking them in vinegar for a ridiculously long time. They worked well at getting my hands to smell like jello, toothpaste and vinegar.

Specialty stores

I am now trying to look into specialty stores. I tried Sephora which gives you a migraine from the smell of 74 million perfumes at once, and guess what. Out of all their thousands of products the only nail stuff they had were 50 dollar vitamins. What the heck Sephora, you are missing a major need of the American people! Also I already take biotin. Biotin does nothing!

 

 

Movies named after Songs: The Most Famous

Welcome to what will become an ongoing series of posts about movies named after songs. It’s been a trend for quite a while now. Want your movie title to somehow already be at the top of someone’s head? Name it after an iconic song. Then use that song in the commercials for even more exposure. The most common genre is the romantic comedy but movies of all types have been named for songs.

The most famous movies named for songs

 Pretty Woman

This one has got to come in at number one. Why, Oh I don’t know, let’s see if there is a TV in the room where you are at then tune in to either TNT , TBS, or Oxygen because one of those channels is showing Pretty Woman right now. If you are not in America turn to your version of TNT or Oxygen and check. (No I don’t know what the equivalent is maybe BBC 8 the Ocho?) Anyway Pretty Woman made pretty much everyone in the world want to go shopping on Rodeo drive with someone else’s credit card, while conveniently telling off those snotty commission only salesgirls all while listening to one of the biggest hits of 1964. (I would call it the biggest hit but back then there was some pesky British Band called the Beatles stealing everybody else’s thunder)

Plus the movie Pretty Woman made the whole world collectively forget that the song is actually named Oh Pretty Woman. It is I swear go look it up. Don’t worry I didn’t know either until I did a little research. It’s really called Oh, Pretty Woman, unless wikipedia is punking me. Wouldn’t be the first time.

 Stand By Me

The second most famous of the movies named for songs is a classic. Pretty much everyone loves this movie. Did you know the original short story was called The Body? No offense to Mr. King but would you have rushed out to see it if it was called The Body? Me neither. Thank goodness they changed the name to something that sounded less like a bad zombie movie and more like a classic featuring a heavyset Jerry O’Connell and a nostalgia heavy soundtrack.

Sixteen Candles

I don’t really remember the song actually being in the movie (thank goodness actually) but the movie is a total classic so it goes here right along with…

 

Pretty in Pink

Yes Pretty in Pink is named after the song. Not a lot of people know this because the Psychedelic Furs did a remake of the song just for the soundtrack. Anyway another classic but what was the deal with the hideous homemade prom dress at the end? I thought Andie was supposed to have sewing talent. Oh and who else totally wants to go to Chicago circa 1986 and visit Trax the record store?

Sweet Home Alabama

This movie has nothing to do with the song other than being set in Alabama, but it is still one of the most well-known movies named for one of the most overplayed songs. The song sweet home Alabama is pretty much bubbling up in a part of everyone’s brain waiting for them to consume a bit of alcohol so it can become free in the form of lousy karaoke. Even if you have never been anywhere near Alabama, Sweet Home Alabama is living inside your head. It’s filed somewhere near Margaritaville, Brown Eyed Girl, You’ve Lost that Lovin Feelin, The Gambler and Oh, Pretty Woman.

 

 American Pie

What the movie has to do with driving one’s Chevy to a Levy I am not really sure. Maybe if there is an apple pie with you it would make sense.

 My Girl

I remember that a lot of people went to see this because Maculay Culkin’s character died in it and there was a backlash against him. It turned out to be a cute sweet nostalgia movie, so if you didn’t watch you missed out.

Pretty Woman, Iconic Movies, movies named for songs, song title movies, song titles,